Journey 2.0

This summer has been a massive road block in my journey. Between the loss of my grandfather, the stress of work, the headaches of adulthood, the hiatus of my podcasts, and the distance built between people i thought would always be close; my diet has been impacted in a negative way.

Over the first 5 months of my dieting, I committed 100% to what i had to do where i needed to be. And it was going amazing. I was happy with who i was for the first time in a long time. I woke up and was able to look into the mirror and be prod of who was looking back at me. The wasn’t a day i didn’t leave my house smiling knowing that the day will be better than the last. I never truly believed it until this year, but attitude is a HUGE part of dieting.

I was unfortunate that all that positivity went away in a moment. I lost my motivation to move forward in my journey and fell into an old familiar state of, “It is what it is”. No matter how hard i tried or how hard i wanted to believe I was better than what i was doing, nothing could pull me out of the pity and sadness i had for myself. I just wanted to give up and go back to where i was nine months ago. even though i was unhealthily overweight, at least I didn’t care as much.

I tried to find any source of motivation or any kind of reason to keep going forward with what i’ve been doing to reach my goal. But i just could find it. I centered my life around one thing and feeling that if i fail at one thing, i will continue to fail at all things.

It wasn’t until Monday morning when I got my motivation.

Since i break from Keto, I have gained back 5lbs. Logically, 5lbs isn’t a huge gain in weight. there were time where i dropped that in a couple days and then some. However, looking at the scale, I actually dawned on my that these 5 little pounds were 5 pounds that i worked very hard to lose and never see again. looking at the scale and being over 380 again made my heart sink. It was the first time in a long time where i looked at myself and said out loud, “what the fuck are you doing?” (sorry Gma for the language)

As much as I hated seeing these 5lbs, they have actually been a blessing for me. I has made me wake up from the slump i have been in. It made me want to revive my journey and become the person I know i can be.

I actually went grocery shopping for the first time in months and bought produce and healthy options to make actual lunches for work. I pre-made Breakfast and dinners so they are available to go when i need them. I actually and getting a plan together to go back to the gym and start working out again.

This Summer has sucked. But this Summer is behind me. The choices i make from hear on out are going to have to the best choices for me. I can’t let my personal feeling or the feelings of others tear me down anymore. I can’t live in the past of the last 10 months and think what if i did this or if i done this instead of that.

I can’t make people see the value in me that i want them to if i can’t see the value in myself.

This is a New Journey. It has to be a new beginning. It has to be a reset on my goals and life style change. Nothing comes easy, and i prefer the challenge that awaits me.

It’s a new week. It’s a new journey. It’s a new Travis.

Accountability and Progress

-Travis-T

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Failure Defined

Life isn’t all about happiness and success. there is always gonna be moments in your life where you can’t hide your feelings of doubt and sadness behind a smile or  a laugh.

The last few weeks hasn’t been good for me both in my journey and in my everyday life. My diet has taken a back seat to my emotions and the frustrations of work, podcasting, and friendships have taken a big toll on my life. I spent huge part of my life push down negative feeling and moments of lows so i can be seen as the “strong” on or the one people can lean on when times are hard. But, I guess i met my breaking point.

So, my diet has gone anywhere in the last few months. there been days where everything goes perfect and i stick to what i need to eat and when i need to eat. But then there are days where i sit at the bar for 8 hours eating burgers and beer. These moment are neither healthy or problem solving. But these are days that get me through. No matter how bad that sounds.

I also, for the first time reached to someone to help get through the rough weeks i had. I have always told people that they can come to me for anything. I can me a should to cry on, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to vent to… but I hate opening up to others. I never have a problem with people sharing their burdens with me. But i hate to burden people with my life.

I look around and see my friends in relationships and families and careers and their own lives. I can’t bother them or waste their time with my life. But that is what i did. I want to thank you for being there for me as much as you could be, even though I will always believe it was an unnecessary burden.

This isn’t a cry for help,or me being depressed. This is me admitting that I’ve taken many different pitfalls that have occurred in the last 3 months and balled them up into one big problem. This has always been my problem though. And as a result of repeating bad habits, my diet is being effected.

If i could, I would call you everyday to talk out my problems. But i’m not going to do that, because my problems aren’t your problems. I want to be the one you can come to, but sometimes there is no 2 way street.

I have to go back to what worked for me and find a way to make it work again. I need to get this journey back on track so i can stay committed to my goals for a healthier lifestyle.

I got some grocery shopping done today so i can make some quick prep breakfasts in the morning and some lettuce wraps sandwiches for lunch.

I’m not looking for  a phone call to be checked up on, cause i can assure you i am fine.

The passing of my grandfather was a tough moment to live through. And as much as i wish someone could have been here, it’s most likely a blessing in disguise that i worked through it on my own the last few days.

People create their own failure. It’s alright to lean on someone, but you can’t expect people to drop what their doing, or put their life on pause to accommodate you.

My life will move forward cause there are people out there that need Travis.

Accountability and Progress

-Travis-T

Reflection on Reflections

So, this is my first week back on full Keto, and to be honest I have missed it. Not so much the restriction of foods, but the results it gives me. after one week, I lost 4 pounds!!! It’s a good start to my 55lb goal for the rest of the year so it all looks good so far.

But I don’t want to talk about the progress in the return; I want to talk about personal self reflection.

Last week and friend from work and I were talking about dieting and how you see yourself through the process. I have explained to her, as i will explain to you, what i see when i look into the mirror. Since I’ve started Keto i have dropped a total of 65lbs through 2018. Everyone around me has told me that they see a huge difference in my appearance and that I am looking great. But I never really am honest about what i see through my own eyes.

Every morning I look myself in the mirror and weigh myself. No matter the number on the scale or the way my clothes are a little looser everything, I still look at myself and feel i look fatter than i was before i started dieting. My friend told me that it isn’t true and that they get where i coming from cause er friend is the same way. It’s not that I doubt my body change or that I’m depressed that i look the way i do. I just wish i could look at myself and feel that there isn’t anyway i could be fatter than i was 8 months ago.

I also started to wonder if this is a normal feeling others who create their own journeys and start their own lifestyle changes. Are there other people in this world who think that they drop a massive amount of weight but look worse than they did before in the beginning? Could think be  a thought i have cause i’m weak minded and can’t accept positive progress?

I honestly never really thought of myself as fat. I always thought heavy, or big, or overweight. but never in my life did i honestly feel that i was fat. but 8 months and 65lbs goes by and i am finally thinking that i’m fat.

It’s  awake up call to not only work on my weight loss, but also on my own self reflection. And to all of you out there who feel how i feel, don’t ever doubt yourselves. don’t think what your doing is a waste of time or pointless. Progress is progress and Reflections of your outer appearance should battle your reflection of your inner thoughts. You are beautiful.

Positive Thinking produces positive outcomes

Accountability and Progress.

– Travis-T

77 Days

Today marks the day where I officially continue my journey. 77 days ago was a great high and a great low for me. 77 days ago was one of the best days of my life, it was my 29th Birthday. As mentioned in a previouse post, it was the best birthday because of the people i got to spend it with and the moments we shared that i wouldn’t trade it for the world. But, it was also the first day where i stepped away from Keto and my diet all together.

Over the last 77 days i had a roller coaster of emotions and events that were both good and bad for me both personally and physically. I’ve shared the events is some previous post, so i don’t see the need to repeat them, but i will be honest about a couple of things.

First, why i stopped posting about my journey. I didn’t stop cause i wanted to take a break from it cause i felt overwhelmed with all the things going on in my life. The truth is, I love these post and i wish i was able to more of them and talk about more of them. I just didn’t want to post cause I couldn’t accept the fact that I constantly failed myself over and over and over again with even caring.

over the last couple months I have drank so much pop, ate so much junk food, and so much non-keto meals that I just felt like it’s pointless to post about cause i just didn’t care about accountability anymore. I just did not care about dieting, happiness, positivity, or progress anymore. I cant even think of anything I actually did care about. I just wanted to be. Go to work, Come home. Go to work, come home. Go to work, come home. I had so much more happiness being 28 than i have at 29. I just didn’t want to care.

Secondly, podcasting. Podcasting was pretty similar to these post. It’s not that i was overwhelmed, it’s not that i couldn’t juggle it. I just wasn’t happy. I knew that i couldn’t put out a good show if my heart wasn’t in it 100%. it wouldn’t be fair to my co-hosts, and wouldn’t be fair to you all.

Side note, if anybody thinks this is related to my change in relationship status or the person i was with, I will remind you of this…. this is not a reflection on her in anyway. my attitude over the the “break i took” was a reflection on me. In fact, she still pushed me to be a better person and stick to what i’m doing even if she didn’t have to. She doesn’t owe me a damn thing and didn’t have to give a shit about me anymore, but she still did and that makes her a better person than even me.

All things considered, I need to take the good with the bad. Yes, i failed my diet miserably. But, luckily, i haven’t gain any weight in this time frame. So Monday I’m starting a new with an old attitude. I’m jumping back into Keto 100% and working on that final 50lbs before the end of the year.

I pretty cool though how the first meal i had that end my first round of dieting is my last meal i will have before i start my second round. I will miss you Hibachi…. we had some good times.

Time to focus on me again. Time to stop with the wishful thinking and the hope for happiness and perfection. Life only happens when you make it happen.

Accountability and Progress

-Travis-T

 

It doesn’t take 8 years, but one moment

I said on my Facebook that i was starting this journal again in August. I needed to take a break from this to get my head straight from a crappy couple months and try to gain back my focus. But, before i get back into my weight loss Journey, i feel that it’s best to be honest with all of you that have taken an interest in my life so far this year and explain where my head has been since my last post.

2018 started out to be an amazing year. Not only have I found a diet that works for me and has helped me lose weight I’ve been caring for years, but I was able to reconnect with someone special from my past. Some of you know who this person and some of you don’t. To be honest, at this point, it doesn’t matter who it is now who it is. But, I will tell you that she was the best thing to happen to me and the best thing for this journey.

When I sit and think about the last 7 months of this year, it has shown me alot of what kind of person I am. It showed me that I was still capable of caring for someone more than I ever thought possible; it also showed me that sometimes it’s possible too care too much.

I never really looked at what kind of person I was and why so many people see as a great guy and a good person… but I think that no matter how hard i try to be the same person to everyone, I unfortunately have failed at that. After my break from my last girlfriend 7 years ago I decided that the best way to live my life is to allow people in, but not to get to close. You are capable of controlling your emotions when you are able to cut people off without a second thought. It may be a shitty way to live, but it actually saved me from many many moments of self doubt and prevented me from questioning my own value.

In 2018 i decided that maybe it was time to let the walls down and finally let someone close again. And for the best 5 months of my life it was completely worth it. But, it not last like i was hoping. People’s feelings and priorities change and sometimes they make choices that were best for them. And I will admit that this is the best way to live your life.

This is where I’ve learned the type of person I am and why I lost someone close.

When it comes to old friends and people I’ve met over the last few years, I am a very out going, opinionated, kind of an asshole guy. I have always been the guy that is there with just a phone call (even though well know getting in touch with me is difficult). But sometimes there’s a part of me that comes out that I don’t really like too much. And I think i finally realized why my relationships end the way they do

When there are moments in my life that I do things for people or “be the hero” i feel they need, i get this idea that they owe me something. Not money or gifts or anything like that. But their time and their attention. I develop this attitude of “I do all this for you, but you won’t do this for me?” and I honestly never realized i did it until this passed Sunday. I pushed away one of the greatest people int he world just cause i felt that if i wasn’t their whole world, that there wouldn’t be room in their world for me. And she isn’t the first person I’ve done this to and looking back I have done this a lot.

People that are no longer in my life that were pushed away cause of my attitude or my reflection of what a friendship is all about is all on me. Yes, I know I am a great person to a lot of people cause I’ve treated them the right way. But the people closest to me I have not been the greatest person.

Now, before people worry about what I’m saying here, or what i post on Snapchat, or the distance I’ve shown over the last 2 months, let me tell you that i am ok. Yes, I’m sad and yes my diet has stalled out. But it isn’t because someone made a choice to walk out my life…. it’s because i pushed them out of my life. And that is something i will have to live with.

So, to that person that has changed my life over the last 6 months and to the person who showed me that i truly have worth in this world… Thank you. Thank you for being the most amazing impact in my life in such a short period of time. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be better to you.

And for the record, for those you feel it’s her lost or she doesn’t deserve me and blah, blah, blah; you’re wrong. She has done nothing but lived her life and still found time to make me happy. Truly, I don’t deserve her. And i hope that she finds her happiness with the people who truly deserve her. It may mean very little, but I will always be Your Travis.

Starting in August I’m making this Journal more than just about my Diet. This Journal is going to reflect and entire lifestyle change.

I’m going to focus back on my diet, but I’m going to work on fixing myself to find the old Travis.

People deserve Travis to be around for a long time…..but they deserve a Travis who is the best he can be. Both inside and out.

Accountability & Progress

-Travis-T

Not Goodbye, Just See You Later

Life isn’t always easy. Life isn’t always fair. Some people say that you get out of life what you put into it. And for the Most part I have to agree with it. Not because it makes sense, but because you need to believe that everything will work out in the end.

This is going to be my last post for awhile. I have spent over 6 months on this awesome journey that has been supported by some amazing people. People who i knew will be by side, and also people who surprisingly became a part of it. For all of you who have been here or read these and motivate me everyday, don’t think that your encouragement and motivation was a waste of time. My journey will still continue and i will hit my goals as the years goes on. But my heart just isn’t in this journal right now.

I’m not sure where my head is or where my heart is, but i know that they just aren’t where i want them to be. I know there will be a time when i will be back to writing and i will be back to let you all know how this journey is going, I just don’t know when that will be.

I encourage you all to keep moving forward with your individual journeys and never doubt that I’m here in your corner 100%.

Accountability and Progress

-Travis

The Journey Before the Journey

On January 2, 2018 I started this adventure to create a better lifestyle for myself. Decided that a change for my overall health needed to happen so that the world had Travis around for a long time. But this journey didn’t really start January 2, 2018. I have found success for the first time this year, but the idea of a journey started back in February of 2013.

I want to share something that may seem dumb or petty. alot of people will read this as me putting blame for my downfall onto someone else who is no longer in my life. That is not the case for this entry. The whole reason I created this journal is to share not only my triumphs through Keto and Dieting, but to share past experiences where weight has effected my life. If for some reason someone reads this and doesn’t agree, then I admire you for your perspective….but this is after all, my life.

In June of 2010 I weighed 310 pounds; nothing to do with the story really, just facts. In that month of that year I met a woman who I would share the next year and a half of my life with. She was the first real girlfriend I had since high school and the first person I felt comfortable with in a long time. she was an incredible person and showed me that there are people in this world who have the ability to be with someone by choice, not requirement.

With any relationship, this girlfriend came with a family that i looked at as my second family. As goofy and crazy as they were, they welcomed me with opened arms and treated me like i was the greatest person in the world. They also were Italian.

The reason i mentioned them being Italian because it was during this relationship where i gained 110lbs in a year and a half. Between the family outings to pizza places, ordering in from various restaurants, or even family cooked meals of pasta. This is where the weight gain began for me. Unfortunately I never realized how bad it got until it all ended.

Some people may agree, and some people may not, but becoming too comfortable in a relationship cause you to stop caring for yourself. I stopped going to the gym, never stepped on the scale, and never worried about the size of my clothes getting too small. I have an amazing girlfriend and I was happy. Nothing else really mattered. Again, until it all ended.

After our relationship end and I realized that i needed to get back out into the world to find that “one”, i started back at the gym again. February 2013 was the first time in over 2 years where I stood on a scale and realized what I have done to myself. This was not the first time in  my life that my weight left me deflated (if you recall my story about the Junior Football team when i was little). Instead of giving up then, I decided to do what I can to get back my life.

The started a chain of diets, workout programs, and personal trainers that all just seemed to fail. 5 years of constant commitment just lead to disappointment. Everything I tried just failed and everything that failed made me give up even more.

There was only one this that is different between then and now, and that has become my motivation to succeed. It’s not just the journal, and It’s not just the Keto… It’s accountabiltiy.

My life was a down a sinking ship that I could not get of. I have spent years blaming anything and everything i could so it wasn’t me that was a fault for my excessive weight gain. But finally after looking at my self in the mirror and realized that I could be a better me, it started to work. But this isn’t just for me to be around longer, this is for you all to have me around longer.

To my friends out there that had some part in this, i thank you.

Accountability and Progress

-Travis-T