For The Right Reasons

One of the reasons for this journal is the help keep myself accountable throughout this journey. It’s mostly for the poor foods i eat that are not part of the diet, but it has to pertain to personal & mental feels too.

I’ve been telling myself for the longest time that I’ve been doing this whole journey for myself and to move to be more healthy. And in the beginning that what it was for; up until last summer when i gave up. coming back from that i just told myself that to get in the same mind set and move forward and it will fall back into place again. I truly believe now more than ever that weight loss is just as much mental as physical.

I have spent the past year trying to diet and repeat results from the beginning of 2018 like it was that simple. but the truth is the only reason I even tried was for someone else. I have had such a negative outlook on myself for so long that I could never see myself in a positive light. and for a period of time the results were happening and i could see a difference. but now when i look in the mirror, all I see is the 445lbs fat failure I always saw and now the guy who bust his ass to make a difference.

When relationships end, it messes with you. I keep telling myself that the negative feelings are not worth it and that’s the past and the future is where you need to focus. However, no matter how much I say it, I never wanted to believe it. I had this dumb belief that if I can improve my appearance and attitude, that things would go back to the way they were. It took me until this afternoon (14 months after the break up…. pathetic right?) to realize that the answers I needed to be better and happy have been with me for a long time, because it’s the same advice I give everyone else.

You value can’t be determined by others. You can’t base how you live your life just to please others. The harsh reality is, that it doesn’t matter what you try to do for them, they more than likely are not giving you a second thought. And you know, they have the right idea.

Relationships come and go all the time. But just cause the relationship is over, doesn’t mean you life is. You have to push forward for you and only you. embrace the support and positivity, but the only person that can get you out of bed and push you to live your life is you.

I have been sad, tired, and defeated for a long time. but now I feel at peace. I decided to write the final sentence of the chapter and move on to the next one.

So My birthday in about 40 weeks away, and I’m gonna use this journey is a different way to work on this 40ish challenge. The goal is to work through all three 13 week programs of DDPY (DDP Yoga) while dropping 2.5lbs a week. If i can do that, then I will be under 300lbs for the first time in 12 years. dropping the 100lbs at the end of this 40 week challenge will put me around 285. And that will be a great starting point for the next journey in my life.

I’m also going to attempt to make more Keto Recipes too. I hate cooking, but need to do it. I tried making Keto Lemon Squares and they were a huge fail. so anyone know how to make tasty Keto Lemon Squares…. be my hero.

Accountability & Progress



Telling My Story

I’m not sure if those of you who read this also listen to my podcast (This Freakin’ Show), but next week’s show I made a decision to add something to my Bucket List and Try to create something I never thought i would ever do.

I decided to write a book. Yes, an actual book. The guy who doesn’t like reading books, is going to attempt to write one of his own. I have had so many people tell me I should and never really taken it seriously. But after thinking about it and looking at what I want out of life, I figured, why not try it out.

The book will mostly be about my life and struggling with being fat. For the most part, it’s going to be a book about embracing who you are and loving yourself, through stories of my life and what I have overcome. I’m going to share stories from being bullied, my struggle with self esteem issues, depression, relationships, work, & friendship.

I never saw myself as a strong person or optimistic person. But somehow I am able to get up everyday and love myself for who I am. And i believe with the right help, anybody can. So I am going to write this book in hopes it motivates and lifts people up.

Self Reflection is important. I have always told people that the hardest thing is life is realize our own value and self worth. And we will struggle everyday until we find it.

I want to share the title of the book in hopes nobody takes my Idea…… That’s right, it’s that good.

“Swimming with Your Shirt Off”

I’m really excited to move forward on this. Not sure how long it will take, but I will be happy when it’s done.

Also, quick recap. After finally free of the horrific back pain I’ve had for the last month, no idea why I always have bad luck in June, I restart my diet and DDP Yoga this week.

I started Sunday at 390 and already down 2lbs. It’s going to be quite the journey I’m taking to rebuild my life. Thank you for coming along.

Accountability & Progress


Thirty is the Most Painful Year

Hey everyone!!!! I told you this week will be the return of my journal, and here it is! It’s crazy to think that it’s been so long since I last posted, but sometimes you just nee to step away from it to realize the importance of it all.

I turned 30 a couple weeks ago, and I got to be honest, I never thought any June could be as worse as the last years…. we I was for sure proven wrong. And this has nothing to do with dieting, relationship, work, or life itself. A few days following my birthday I hurt my back (so I thought)

First off, cleaning the house is evil and dangerous; I want to get that out in the world. I’m not sure what happen, but ever since I cleaned up for my Birthday party I started to develop a very bad pain in my back. Like an idiot, I brushed it off like it was nothing. Well this was over 2 weeks ago and I am still in so much pain. I did go to the Chiropractor for the problem on the 4th of June and pretty much been going every other day since then. At first it was diagnosed as a slipped disc, which thinking is the best case scenario. However, after four visits of the pain going away, it came back stronger than ever at the end of last week. I went to a second doctor and now determined it’s related to my hip. Either way, my biggest problem is that I did not deal with the problem at the beginning.

So with the reboot to this whole healthy lifestyle, I hit a snag because of my ignorance. I encourage all of you to please take care of yourselves and never assume any pain will eventually will go away.

Now this is has been a wake up call to make sure I begin to start to take care of myself. I have a huge problem with excuses and the idea it’s okay to not eat right cause something else isn’t working to plan. I didn’t with my break up last year and I’m doing it with my back this year.

I thought I had this idea of I’m strong enough to over come everything, but somehow I keep sabotaging myself. So looking past the past bullshit of empty promises and half ass commitments, it’s time for real change.

I paid the money for DDP Yoga & the Gym, and when my back gets better, I will be focused on these things. The idea of being too lazy to cook and ordering out needs to stop as well. Not only does that prove pure laziness, but a lack of financial responsibility.

I love podcasting, it gives me an outlet to be me without dealing with whats really going on. But it makes no sense to care more about one aspect of my life and not the other. This isn’t me quiting podcasting, so don’t be concerned of that. But I will start making my health & well being a priority as well. My biggest battle is admitting I need help from people. At my party I had so many people put me in check and reminded me that I’m not alone and help is only a phone call away.

This back pain has made my thirty’s unbearable…. but the friends and family I have in my life make it worth fighting for

Accountability & Progress


Spring Forward, Before You Fall Behind

Holy Crap!!!! Has it been over a month since I’ve posted last? Time has passed so quickly lately. For those of you wondering where the post have been, let me set you mind at ease. It isn’t because I gave up. It’s not because I’m down and out about about myself. It’s not because I am in a bad place. The time between posts has been for good reason.

For those of you who know, in my spare time I host two podcasts. and the month of march has been so big for both This Freakin Show & Just Freakin Wrestlin. The views and popularity of my shows have grown better than i could have imagined. We opened an online store to sell merchandise. And with JFW, we are developing more partnerships with Wrestling Companies & wrestlers. It’s has taken a lot of my time away from this journal and my journey.

Luckily, with this success, I have been able to take to positive from this and help me personally too. It took much longer than wanting to, but I’ve finally got my mind clear and found a place of acceptance on “friendships”, or lack there of.

I have put too much effort into the wrong things and the wrong people. People who I thought were meant to be in my life to better, were actually in my life to better theirs. And that may sound odd or egotistical like my life some how betters other. But live the life I live with the people who come and go and tell me I’m wrong.

I’m not going to change who I am because of experiences I have had over the last year. I can only try so much, before trying starts to feel like a waste. tomorrows keep coming and the sun is still rising. as 2019 moves forward, so will I. I’m going to be 30 this year, high school is over and I am ok with goodbye being goodbye without having to say it.

It’s been such a long time where I can lay down to sleep with out checking off everything I need to worry about. I stress myself out too much over things that can’t be fixed instantly. time to focus on whats important once again: my health, my family, and my life.

Too many things are changing lately, and my journey needs to not be one of them. I know what I have to do and with the news weather and new support in my life, I’m ready to hit it head on.

Special shout out to a few amazing people in my life currently who I know I can count on in one way or another.

Jackie Biggs – one of the best guest I ever had on my podcast and become a good friend through some messed up moments in my life recently. Plus, she is the queen of Keto and I know I can turn to her with almost anything.

Stephanie Johnson – Doesn’t matter how crappy my day is, her goofiness makes me smile so much lately. I’m happy we started talking and hope to hang out soon

Dana Belske – she will tell you I’ve helped her so much through a lot. But I can honestly say I have done nothing nearly what she has done for me. I’m not a good friend too often, but she still sees the good in me. And it’s friend like her that show me how much I should be appreciated.

Shalmar & Nene – if it wasn’t for you 2 at work, there is no way I would be able to stay in check. You guilt me so much…. but it’s in a very good way. And thank you for pushing me to do the Polar Plunge. It was a great experience to go through once.

Ashley  РYou moving away fucking killed me. But you need to do what you have to for you. No matter how far you move away from me, I know how supportive you will be in whatever i do. So lucky to have a sister like you.

Mom – If it wasn’t for you, I would have achieved absolutely nothing since last January. It don’t matter if it’s a bribe for a trip, getting a membership at the gym, calling me out on what I eat, or encourage me not to quit on my self; you push me to be the absolute best I can be.

There are so many of you out there who believe in me and I don’t want you to think i forgot about you.

Because of you all, I know for certain, I am not alone in this. Now, time to get my head out of my ass and get shit done.

Accountability & Progress


Admitting Mistakes & Accepting Failures

The whole point of this Journal is to keep myself accountable through my journey. I have not done that. I have lied to myself and all of you through these passed 9 months, and it’s time to be honest.

First, lets talk about the weight that I claim to have lost. In May I was down to 379. I have stated how through all my struggles I have maintained this weight and kept pushing forward. It’s a lie. Through the remainder of the year and up until now I gained back 15 pounds that I worked hard to lose. Maybe if I kept my promise to myself and to you all, maybe I could have stayed on top of that. But what has been done is done.

I cheated the diet every chance I could. Eating crap when I was able to thinking to myself that it will be fine cause it’s just this one thing and then back to it. But again, excuses and weaknesses cause me nothing but failure to my journey.

The biggest thing with me right now is something I have only told one person. And I thank them for not saying anything to anyone. But, I’m not happy. I haven’t been for a long time. This isn’t because of a diet, or a relationship, or finances, or family / friends. I go through periods of just giving up. I just don’t want to do anything at all. People wonder why I sit at home all the time and never want to get out, it’s cause I just don’t want to be around people. Maybe it’s repeated disappointments from the past or me being too hard on myself, but they happen. They don’t last forever, but they do happen. I promise you all it’s not an “Ending My Life” situation. It’s just a “Let Me Work Through My Shit” situation.

I don’t tell you all this for sympathy or pity. I tell you this because I have to start being honest with what I put on here. I have always pride myself on being an honest person. If I don’t have that, then what do I have?

So good news time!

Dieting have started this week finally and I have seen good starting results. I invested in a workout program called DDP Yoga (DDPY). I started it yesterday and I already feel a different in me. I’ve also stuck to fasting and eating what I should be eating.

Yes, I said February is suppose to begin 2019, but I failed at that. But, you have to learn from failure and not let it define you. I gonna learn from my mistakes from this month….. year and realize that I need to remember why I started this to begin with….. So you all can have me for as long as you can.

I can’t promise I won’t fail again, but i can promise it won’t cause me to tear myself down to where I can’t build myself up.

Accountability & Progress


2019 Starts in February

When you lie about your own progress, you’re just cheating yourself. My 2019 journey through January has been a bust. I won’t lie or even pretend it hasn’t. Let me tell you why and how I am planning on fixing this.

So it’s no surprise or secret that I am a fan of the Keto Diet. Through the first 5 months of 2018 I stayed like 85% committed to it and saw very god results. I’m sure if the summer was better than it was for me mentally and emotionally, I probably would have had a full successful year. But that’s not the case and instead of moving forward with the journey, I just gave up.

I did move forward a bit towards the end of the year, but no where close to what I am capable of. Because of this, my weight loss peaked in May and fluctuated through the remainder of the year. All the failure falls on the shoulders of me and me alone.

My biggest failure when it came to the diet stopping was I put too much reflection f my diet into other people. I preached a lot on how when it comes to dieting (especially for me) mental motivation is huge. If your heart and mind is not in it, you will fail. And I allowed my lows get the best of me.

January wasn’t a reflection of a low point mentally, but pure laziness. I just had no personal drive to want to do the diet. Even when it came to eating Keto Friendly for most of it, it means very little when you choose not to be active or cheat excessively.

And that is what the title of the Post means. with January passed and have no way of changing it, it’s time to get back to the reality of what is best for me. I have a long road ahead of me to lose these next 50-70lbs and it all starts today.

One big thing different from this year from last year is inputting gym time into the journey. With the help and support from my little sister, it will be alot easier to get myself out of the house and to the gym. It’s unfortunate that I only have a few months left with her before she leaves, but hopefully by that time, the idea of going 4 times a week would be the norm for me and i will still go even when it’s alone.

For those who don’t know, I have a podcast. And i was able to talk with someone who has so much knowledge of the Keto Diet that it has helped me with things I didn’t know about and gave the drive to make it work once again.

by the time I’m 30 at the end of May, I hope to be down to 320. That is going to be my goal for now and if this is where I end up, I would be okay with that. But like any journey, it’s one step at a time & one day at a time.

Accountability & Progress



Run Your Race at Your Pace

It has been 18 days since I started the 2019 Healthy Life Style journey and so far….. so okay. It’s not the same instant progress that 2018 brought, but progression is positive. For me it seemed to be discouraging; as you recall in a previous entry I’m a huge fan of instant gratification. But, luckily, with a more forward positive thought process going into this year, I am going to take patience over gratification.

So to start off this year right I went ahead and got some things that I have seemed to neglect in my life previously to help aid in this new life style. I picked up some vitamins that are suppose to help out with the Keto Diet, as well as got my Keto Air Fryer Cookbook that i can’t wait to utilize as much as possible this coming year.

Something I want to incorporate into this diet that attempted last year and failed to commit to was the 8/16 intermittent fasting. which simply explained is 8 hours of eating and 16 hours of fasting.

I did some research and looked into the best, positive way for this to work for me and hope that putting it into action will get me those results i am looking for.

Also, a huge thing is maintaining 100%¬† honestly and accountability on what I consume on a daily basis. There are days I cheat and sneak the unwanted foods i shouldn’t have and really, it’s only cheating myself.

With the help of my co-workers who are on their own life style change journeys and the support from friends and family, 2019 will be more success than 2018.

Not saying 2018 wasn’t a success. 65lbs is a good start… but it’s not the finish line.

And if I end up crossing my finish line this year, it doesn’t mean it’s over. It will just mean it’s time to start a new race. To use last year as an example; my goal was to lose over 100lbs. but just cause i fell short of the goal and didn’t complete that journey does not mean that it was a lost cause. It just prepped me for the future journeys I have in front of me.

Run your race the best you can. It’s doesn’t matter if you lead the pack or get lapped. As long as you believe in yourself and push yourself beyond what you believe your limits are, they is always a finish line in site.

Accountability & Progress